{Originally posted June 2012 - I was looking back on some old posts and saw a spellnig mistake so fixed it and now it's posted as of today's date}
I've long had an anxiety about having kids. Not that it was scary, I really couldn't wait for the opportunity to be a mum. But the main anxiety was that I felt like i'd struggle to have a baby. I doubt that is normal for a teenager {to look forward to having kids and/or be worried they'd struggle to}. But I feel blessed that I have that strong desire in my heart and I hope it makes me a better mother one day.
I've long had an anxiety about having kids. Not that it was scary, I really couldn't wait for the opportunity to be a mum. But the main anxiety was that I felt like i'd struggle to have a baby. I doubt that is normal for a teenager {to look forward to having kids and/or be worried they'd struggle to}. But I feel blessed that I have that strong desire in my heart and I hope it makes me a better mother one day.
The thing is, I've always pushed away that fear that i'd have trouble having a baby. The normal things i'd say to myself to get my head out of being anxious "Jess, you are being silly. You are just being anxious. Everything is going to be fine, just wait and see". (I sound very rational don't i?)
Well when my doctor handed me that envelope referring us to a fertility specialist it's like my biggest fear was realised. (well not the biggest, that'd probably involve being stuck in a small dark room with ABBA on repeat). What i'd been anxious about had actually happened. I wasn't just being anxious this time. Things aren't fine and we need help. We can't do this on our own. It feels like the Dr saying "yep I give up, someone else has to figure this out because i'm stumped". I know that's not the case, and the best thing we can do is seeing experts who can provide help to make this desire of ours happen...but it's hard.
It's hard taking that envelope which is the sum total of all the horrible tests i've undergone over the last year. The proof that we've waited long enough and need some help. The proof that it won't 'just happen'.
I don't like that envelope. I think it's pretty smug and looks at me with some attitude. I guess I should see it as the 'golden ticket' to see a specialist, but it just feels like a failure card. My body won't work the way it's meant to and now it's time to turn it over to someone else because I have no idea what else to do! It was hard to even just make that phone call to get an appointment. and now it's time to wait.
Again.
So here we are, waiting.
